Posted in life

Grief

It’s 3:30 am on a Monday. I’m sat here just staring into the void and thinking about what could have been and how my life would’ve panned out differently if my mum was still with us today.

It pains me everyday she’s not here to see me accomplish milestones. She never got to see me do any of those cliché firsts like send me off at the gate on my first day of secondary school or my first date or have me cry on her about my first break up. She was such an amazing lady and I’m mad the people I cherish in my day to day life never got to meet her. Everything I accomplish in life is for her. I’m living the life she didn’t. She was 30 when she passed so she had lived a life but she got pregnant at a young age, never went to uni and was stuck in situations a mother of 4 just shouldn’t be going through. She was a strong lady despite how she left us. I will always see her as a strong and powerful person despite it all.

“I love you lots like jelly tots. Forever and always”

Jenny Baynham

It’s just insane that half of my life has been with her and half has been without. Like I never truly knew my mum as a friend. I never knew her as Jenny. She was always just mum. I wish I had a longer time with her and got to know who Jenny was. Like I’d say my dad is one of my best friends. I wish I had that with my mum. I’d give my right leg to have her back with us and I’m pretty sure my family would agree.

I’m very shocked I’ve made it to the 10 year mark. In my head my life was practically over when it happened. Like that was it. What was the point in living if she wasn’t going to be there to teach me the ways of being a strong powerful woman? I’m ever so thankful for the strong women who did bring me up. They taught me so much about self worth and not taking any shit from anyone. My dad is an absolute superstar. He’s was going through it as much as we were even though they hadn’t be together since I was like 1. He was devastated but he didn’t let that phase him. 10 years down the line and I’m stronger than I’d ever thought I’d be. If i can get through losing my mum I can do fucking anything at this point.

“Losing my mother at such an early age is the scar of my soul. But I feel like it ultimately made me into the person I am today. I understand the journey of life. I had to go through what I did to be here.”

~ Mariska Hargity

My main point is grief is hard. It always will be no matter how long. Keep your loved ones close because you never know what they could be going through. My messages are always open to anyone struggling with anything or if you just want to chat. I am here.

I bloody love you Jenny Baynham. Forever and always ❤️

Author:

trying to make it through life x

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