Quick little brain vomit, been reflecting on some stuff over the past few days.
Life really just likes to screw you over and makes the chemicals in your brain broken. Mine has been broken for as long as I can remember. Although, I don’t remember much from my teenage years because of this. Who knew your memory got so bad when being like this. I think my depression was triggered by my mum’s death. (I know I talk about it a lot lol). After she died I don’t remember much, only really weird obscure memories that nobody else even cared to remember.
My point is that I don’t remember what life is like without depression. It’s been a part of me that I’ve always kept hidden away from everyone except those I hold close to me. It’s who I saw myself as. Just that depressed girl who hides from everyone and acts like she’s okay but on the inside, she’s crumbling.
Now my life is going good. I have a job I love and I’m surrounded by the best people. My family feels whole again. Yet I feel lost. The depression isn’t gone obviously but I’m having way more good days than bad days and I feel weird. I find myself wondering hey shouldn’t I be sad right now? or stop laughing you’re depressed. I let my depression run my life. It was who I am, it’s who I knew myself as and now that I don’t feel those things and have those thoughts it’s like who am I? who is emily?
Looking back on old thoughts from my notes I can see how much of a horrible mental place I was in this time last year. My brain was so hyperactive that I was constantly thinking about all of this. It was just a whirlwind of problems that I couldn’t solve immediately. I used to consider myself an empty shell. Just floating by with no significance and devoid of value. But now I can see that I’m none of those things. I have purpose and value and I’m supposed to be on the path I am on.
I’ve also had an interesting week friends wise too I guess, I just felt like I was never anyone’s first choice. I know I can’t maintain any favourite position because people are always changing their minds but just for once. For a little while, I’d like to feel that. As a kid, I was never anyone’s first choice. I always felt like I was at the bottom of the list and I don’t think that feeling has ever really gone away. I have handfuls of friends who I value very much but I’m nobody’s favourite. It just makes me feel unwanted when I know I’m not.
Just some quick thoughts from my brain in a moment of weakness I guess, really not having a good week lol.