Posted in life

quick little thought dump

Quick little brain vomit, been reflecting on some stuff over the past few days.

Life really just likes to screw you over and makes the chemicals in your brain broken. Mine has been broken for as long as I can remember. Although, I don’t remember much from my teenage years because of this. Who knew your memory got so bad when being like this. I think my depression was triggered by my mum’s death. (I know I talk about it a lot lol). After she died I don’t remember much, only really weird obscure memories that nobody else even cared to remember.

My point is that I don’t remember what life is like without depression. It’s been a part of me that I’ve always kept hidden away from everyone except those I hold close to me. It’s who I saw myself as. Just that depressed girl who hides from everyone and acts like she’s okay but on the inside, she’s crumbling.

Now my life is going good. I have a job I love and I’m surrounded by the best people. My family feels whole again. Yet I feel lost. The depression isn’t gone obviously but I’m having way more good days than bad days and I feel weird. I find myself wondering hey shouldn’t I be sad right now? or stop laughing you’re depressed. I let my depression run my life. It was who I am, it’s who I knew myself as and now that I don’t feel those things and have those thoughts it’s like who am I? who is emily?

Looking back on old thoughts from my notes I can see how much of a horrible mental place I was in this time last year. My brain was so hyperactive that I was constantly thinking about all of this. It was just a whirlwind of problems that I couldn’t solve immediately. I used to consider myself an empty shell. Just floating by with no significance and devoid of value. But now I can see that I’m none of those things. I have purpose and value and I’m supposed to be on the path I am on.

I’ve also had an interesting week friends wise too I guess, I just felt like I was never anyone’s first choice. I know I can’t maintain any favourite position because people are always changing their minds but just for once. For a little while, I’d like to feel that. As a kid, I was never anyone’s first choice. I always felt like I was at the bottom of the list and I don’t think that feeling has ever really gone away. I have handfuls of friends who I value very much but I’m nobody’s favourite. It just makes me feel unwanted when I know I’m not.

Just some quick thoughts from my brain in a moment of weakness I guess, really not having a good week lol.

Posted in life

Dear Mum,

Another year, another letter to you.

It’s that time of the year again. I’d like to say have you missed me? but you can’t even read these because you’re dead. Sorry that was in poor taste, bet you’d still be laughing at it though.

I feel like these get less and less depressing every year and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m kinda dealing better with the fact you’re gone after 12 years or I’ve run out of things to be sad about. It seems like a literal lifetime ago now. I don’t even remember much of you anymore. That’s the saddest part. Each year I have fewer and fewer memories of you to reminisce about. It sucks. I see stuff all the time and I’m like mum would’ve loved that yet you had to die. I can’t even send you any funny memes I find.

I think the thing that’s been hitting hard on me recently is the number of times I hear off everyone that I look like you. Every morning I wake up and I see bits of your face in mine and it hurts. It’s like you’re looking right at me sometimes especially when I catch myself off guard on a shiny surface. It sometimes feels like every time someone who loved you looks at me they see you and that brings back all sorts of memories for them and it makes me feel bad.

There’s this picture at nans house on her wall that pains me every time I see it. It was I think the twins birthday and we took a nice family photo. I think it’s the only one that’s got us all in except grandad. You’re there smiling as always. I’m there with happy birthday confetti stuck to my face because tony told me it’d be funny to lick it and then stick it to my face. Everyone else is around us smiling. I look at you in that photo and I see myself. Every time I see it catches me off guard. I think it hurts the most that you were going through such a hard time that we as kids didn’t know about, yet you’re putting a smile on your face for us. It makes me think of all the times I’ve done that to protect other people from me being a burden.

As I’ve gotten older though the more I realise why you did what you did. Like I get it now. I didn’t when I was a kid because what kid gets that kinda stuff you know? but now I get it. I don’t hate you one bit for it either. You had to go and that’s okay. I just dislike the fact that so many of the things that impacted you have impacted my outlook on life as an adult.

Anyway, I’m doing far better than I was in last years letter/ my weird way of coping with this. I have a job I don’t hate going to which is pretty cool. I feel like my life is sorta getting together so it is going pretty well. That’s literally the only thing that has changed. I feel like this year is my year though. I can feel it in my BONES. The pandemic really just messed up these past few years, I have done nothing exciting. I think you would’ve gone crazy if you were stuck in a house with us all. I still haven’t graduated. Still waiting on that one. Hopefully, it’ll be in the summer. What are we betting I trip up or fall over on stage?

I don’t have much to say to you and I feel BAD. but this past year has just been really chilled, to be honest. Really nothing too exciting has happened, I wish I could tell you more but there’s nothing to tell. I was about to say I hope you’re okay but you’re dead so I guess not.

Miss you,

from your fave daughter (soz guys)

Flobber Bobber 🙂

Posted in music

Pebble Brain – New Lovejoy EP

What can I say, I’m a sucker for some good music

The new Lovejoy EP “Pebble Brain” was released on YouTube at 12:42am. It’s already racked up over 1.3 million views on the first day of release. It’s out on Apple Music and Spotify right now! Linked at the bottom of the review.

Lovejoy are relatively new on the indie rock scene with their first EP being released in June. Prior to this Will Gold, who is the lead singer of the band, released his own personal music under the pseudonym “Wilbur Soot”. Despite being new, they’ve excelled massively with millions of streams on their first EP “Are You Alright?”. Most songs on “Are You Alright?” have featured on many popular playlist’s on Spotify such as “Today’s Indie Rock” , “*hits different*” and “Gaming Lounge”

This EP has huge boots to fill and not to get ahead of myself but I think it has exceeded those expectations far beyond anyone would’ve thought. It is a natural progression from their first EP. “Pebble Brain” sounds a lot more developed and like they have settled into their sound and found a style that works for them. You can see they’re heavily inspired by the artists that they listen to such as Bloc Party, The Wombats and Two Door Cinema Club. If you wanna hear what other tunes inspired the EP Will has made a playlist you can listen to here.

The first song on the EP is “Oh Yeah, You Gonna Cry?”. This track is so catchy. The chorus “now now you need to calm down” is stuck in my head. The little piano tune at the start was cute. I really like the plucky guitar and the subtle hint of the trumpet. The instrumentals as a whole are super lively. You can totally tell that they were listening to the likes of The Wombats while making this. I feel like it’s a bit rough around the edges which I enjoy and it works for them. It is one of the tracks that grows on you the more you listen to it.

The next track is “Model Buses”. The bass on this tune is SEXY. It’s by far the standout in this song for sure. I love the constant use of trumpets throughout the whole EP. You can tell exactly what sound they were going for when making this track. I think Wilbur’s singing here is amazing, the instrumentation sounds great, is all mixed really well and it has a lot of uniqueness to it. In both of the tracks so far, Wilbur has a different tone to his singing compared to their first EP but honestly, I’m here for it.

“Concrete” is so far my favourite song on the EP. I think it’s a really mature sound for them. Again, the bass at the start is stunning and the drumming pattern is unique. When the guitar comes in I feel like this tune becomes quite surf-esque. I like the singular drum beats and guiatr chords leading up to the chorus. Then the build-up of both guitar and drums after this gets me hype. Again, the use of the trumpets gives this song a lot more depth. It’s genuinely very well made and they’ve done such a good job of making the whole EP a continuous sound.

Thank you to TommyInnit for getting them to keep Perfume on the EP because it is GORGEOUS. I can see why he likes it so much. They’ve really nailed the whole indie rock thing on the head. They sound hugely similar to other bands in the genre but they have a bit of flair about them. This record has got such huge potential. Wilburs vocals are really getting pushed to their limits which I love (not in a weird way). They’ve nailed the groovy guitar on this one too. It is a solid tune.

“You’ll Understand When You’re Older” is the fourth tune on this track. It’s got the trumpets, the really clean guitars and intense drums like many of the other songs on this EP but I don’t think it’s boring. Every track has its own flair. It eventually goes into a slower and quieter part of the song which is really nice. You can really hear the extent of Wilbur’s vocals here and it’s stunning. The guitar riffs towards the end of the tune completely sold it for me. It just gave me visions of jamming at a gig to it and it filled me with (love)joy.

Now “the Fall”. Two words to describe this tune is GROOVY BASS. Ash has done the bass justice on this EP. It is beautiful. It’s mainly just hi-hats and bass until suddenly a really great drum line comes in and there’s yelling in the back of the mix which complements Wilbur’s aggressive singing. I also noticed a northern twinge in some of the words he was saying which made me giggle. I think this is the most unique song on the EP by a mile it doesn’t follow the normal, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus formula which I think breaks up the song nicely. I saw a comment on youtube saying that it sounds like Will is letting out his inner theatre kid which made me howl and now that’s all I think about when listening to this song.

The final track on this EP isn’t a new tune. It’s all futile! It’s all pointless! is a previous song of Wilbur’s. It was featured on Will’s single “Maybe I was boring” toward the end of the song at around the 10:15 mark. It was a nice surprise to see this song on there and I think they did it justice. The acoustic version is nice if you’re wanting a chill song but the new version just adds so much more to it. It gives it the oomph the acoustic version was lacking. Again, the instruments on this song have been executed beautifully and it was a lovely way to end the EP.

Overall, the EP is on par with “Are You Alright?” I think with a few more listens it will top it for sure. I love the trumpet theme throughout the whole EP and I think this really tied all the songs together. If I was to pick any song to be their first mainstream single it’d probably be “Model Buses” I feel like the radio’s and other mainstream media would like this one the most. I can guarantee probably all of these songs are going to be on big Spotify playlists in no time just like their first EP. I’m genuinely excited for what’s to come of these lads because I think it’s going to be massive. Obviously, this EP isn’t perfect but it’s literally their second EP. There’s things that couldve been done better like I would’ve liked the vocals to be crisper but thats just me. It’s miles better than some of the second EP’s I’ve listened to over the years. They’re developing their sound and growing as a band and this EP showcases all of this.

(P.S. hello LoveJoy if you see this. You’re very cool 🙂 I’m no big-time reviewer and this is all just for fun but I hope you like my thoughts about the EP. Huge props to you all <3)

Follow Lovejoy here:

Twitter – @LVJYonline

Insta: @lovejoyonline

Youtube: Lovejoy

Spotify: Lovejoy

Apple Music: Lovejoy

Posted in The Top 5

The Top 5: TV Shows that got me through University

University was a struggle and a half. The pressure of doing well at University just made me not want to do any of the work so I started to fill my time doing other things whether that was drinking or watching shows. I have a lot of favourite tv shows but there’s a few that were a staple to my university life. In no particular order, here are my top 5 shows that got me through university:

1. Umbrella Academy

Rating: 4 out of 5.
The Umbrella Academy' Season 2 Review - A Huge Improvement On An Already  Brilliant Show | DiscussingFilm

I was obsessed with this show. It is based on the Umbrella Academy comic books. I started watching it mainly because it was directed and written by Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance (who I loved as an angsty teen, still love now tbh). The first few episodes were a bit lacklustre but the rest of Season 1 and Season 2 were amazing. The dysfunctional family dynamic relaxed me because it reminded me of home. My favourite character has to be Klaus. He’s a bit crazy but he’s got a good heart which I relate to even though can speak to the dead which I cannot.

This show is such an easy watch. It is packed with action, emotion and humour. It is well written and all the characters are likeable. They all have their mental struggles and issues which you don’t get to see much in superheroes. In my personal opinion, season 2 is better than season 1. Vanya becomes a lot more likeable in Season 2 and her character gets more layers which makes her more interesting.

Overall, this show was a good distraction from my work and it made me genuinely smile which was rare when I was in uni because I was sad a lot of the time.

2. Fresh Meat

Rating: 4 out of 5.
Fresh Meat - All 4

This show is exactly what uni was like for me. I love it. I knew the show existed beforehand but I never really got into it until my friend Chloe showed me at her house while we were hungover. We’d barely known each other a few weeks and she’d invited me out for her birthday and then to move in with her a few weeks later. I was hooked on this show after that. It is so relatable to university life and living in a uni house. They have all the typical uni student tropes the couple, the mature student, the posh ones and the one who just doesn’t care.

Vod is by far my favourite and the most relatable. She just doesn’t care about anything and it’s just sort of vibing and living her best life. She does her own thing most of the time and she’s hilarious. JP is the most annoying to me. Those posh boys that act like that get on my nerves. Luckily a large majority of the “posh” boys I met at uni were lovely.

Overall, this show was amazing. So cheers Chloe for the recommendation.

3. The Witcher

Rating: 5 out of 5.
The Witcher on Netflix: everything you need to know about the TV series |  TechRadar

I’m going to be honest here I only initially watched this for Henry Cavill. He’s one of my favourite actors and he’s good looking too. I thought I wasn’t going to like it because it gave me Game of Thrones vibes and I disliked GoT for how boring it was. This wasn’t the case. I fell in love with the Witcher and all the characters. It’s so well written and the costume and set design are stunning.

After watching this show obsessively for months I finally got a PC and bought all the Witcher games (thanks steam winter sale) I played all of them which made me fall even more in love with the show. It’s not the same but there are huge similarities. I just can’t get over how stunning all the actors are and the costumes. The dress department did so well. All the costumes are stunning. Plus the music in this. “Toss a Coin to your Witcher” was stuck in my head for weeks and was one of my top played songs of 2020.

4. Waterloo Road

Rating: 3 out of 5.
Stop everything: Waterloo Road is BACK - with original cast | Entertainment  | Heat

Now this one is a huge throwback.

If you’re from the UK and mainly the north then you’ll know this show. It was filmed around the corner from my house. It was such a comfort show for me. If I was homesick I’d whack on an episode of Waterloo Road. Everything was so familiar and relatable I just loved it. My uni house and I used to binge all seasons of this. My favourite headteacher is Miss Rachel Mason. She was such an icon. My two favourite pupils were Finn Sharkey and Bolton Smiley. They were just so likeable and very much like the boys I went to school with. It actually made me miss high school for a bit. It also tackled a fair few issues such as abuse, teenage pregnancy, gun violence and loss.

spoiler when Sambuca died I sobbed. She was such an iconic character and a sweetheart and it was so sad to see her go. The most traumatic death for me though was either Izzy or Mr Clarkson. They totally deserved better for sure.

As the seasons went on it got a bit crap especially when it moved to Scotland. It didn’t really have the same homely feel but the earlier seasons I can’t get enough of.

5. Hannah Montana

Rating: 3 out of 5.
Petition · Put Hannah Montana tv show on Netflix Australia ·

I know what you’re thinking, Hannah Montana?

I get it’s not a typical show you’d see on this list but it did help. I say the word help loosely here. It didn’t help at all, it was more of a distraction. Instead of writing my super important and great dissertation, I decided it’d be a good idea to relive my childhood. I do not regret it one bit. This show is elite.

I used to own a blonde Hannah wig and a singing hairbrush. I was Hannah’s no.1 Stan. It only seemed right to comfort me with this show in one of the hardest times in my life. I loved every second of it. Oliver is my favourite character for sure. He was just so dorky and I used to have a HUGE crush on Mitchell Musso, especially in Pair of Kings.

I watched all 4 seasons in about 3 days. I was addicted and I have 0 shame in that. Eventually, I did finish it and had to start my awful dissertation but the grade I got wasn’t too bad so maybe Hannah Montana taught me something.

So there you have it! My Top 5 Shows that got me through university. These shows were integral to my uni life and I recommend you give them a watch if you haven’t. Not to be biased but they’re really good. 🙂 I’ve left a poll at the bottom of this post. Vote for your favourite now!

5sos 22 all time low birthday foo fighters grief life loss lovejoy mother music music journalism reflection scouting for girls the beatles the witcher tv shows umbrella academy wilbur soot

Posted in music

New LoveJoy EP – Sneak Peek

A few days ago Will, the lead singer of LoveJoy, gave us a sneak peak of LoveJoy’s new EP which claims to be finished at the end of September/ start of October. and I am buzzing.

During his twitch stream a few days ago will decided to give all LoveJoy’s many fans an insight on what the new EP is going to sound like and the vibes are already immaculate. He played the first 30 seconds of two songs and it sent the chat wild.

LoveJoy are relatively new on the scene with their first EP being released in June. Prior to this Will Gold who is the lead singer of the band had his own personal music he released, Despite being new they’ve excelled massively. With millions of streams on their first EP “Are You Alright?” this second one has big boots to fill. Their top steamed song is “One Day” which is a Wombats/Los Campensinos! inspired tune that is severely addicting. Most songs on “Are You Alright?” have featured on many popular playlist’s on Spotify such as “Today’s Indie Rock” , “*hits different*” and “Gaming Lounge”

Fan seemed very happy about this sneak peek and it became a trending topic on twitter:

loving the memes omg

As you can see the LoveJoy stans are HYPED and so am I. Very excited to see what’s to come and to hear more of what LoveJoy has to offer us. I guarantee its going to be good. I’m putting a lot of faith in these sneak peeks.

Here is the clip of the sneak peek.

credit to user: DREAMSMP VOD’s

Posted in life

22 years on this earth. What have I learnt?

It was the year 1999. My mum was 19 and pregnant with her third child. On the 25th May she gave birth to me. Three days before her 20th birthday. Now 22 years later and we’re here!

What a life it has been! There’s we so many ups and so many downs but I finally made it to 22. When I look back on my life so far it seems a bit lackluster. When I was 8 I thought I’d own my own house, have a kid and be engaged/married by the time I was 22. But no. Here I am still living with my dad, no kids and certainly no marriage. It crazy how much you expect out of life at such a young age.

It has been a challenging two decades but I’m still here so that’s got to count for something right? In all seriousness though I’m proud of myself. When mum died I thought my life was over. I didn’t know what to do with myself but to be thriving 11 years later is such an accomplishment. My teen years were rough and I was a little shit but I guess it paid off in the end.

I’ve never really been one for birthday celebrations. I don’t like the attention and it makes me feel a bit awkward. Going to a restaurant and the whole staff start clapping and singing happy birthday to you is my anxiety’s worst nightmare (I’m looking at you TGI Fridays) like please just give us the free dessert and leave. I cant handle the embarrassment and everyone looking at you.

One of my most memorable birthdays was when my mum and auntie took me to Disneyland: Paris when I was 5. I got kitted out with a mickey hoodie and a Cinderella suitcase ( I still use it to this day) We had a meal with all the characters and we went on so many rides. It one of my fondest memories. We went on some sort of ghost train and I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my entire life. It was awful. I’m so thankful my mum saved up all that money to take us on that trip. I think its really important you make a few core memories with your kids that they’ll remember forever.

I wrote myself a list at 13 of what I wanted to have accomplished by the age of 25. It was:

  • see one direction in concert more than once
  • get a degree in a subject I loved
  • get a dog
  • move out

So far two out of the 5 things on my list I currently have 2. I’m working on the others. I’ve still got three years yet so it doesn’t seem too difficult. I didn’t have high aspirations as a kid if you cant tell. I just wanted to make my family happy.

If I spoke to my 13 year old self I think she’d probably think I was a weirdo. All I wanted to do at that age was fit in but now I couldn’t care less. The biggest life lesson I’ve probably learnt is that other people really don’t care what you do. Growing up I did everything in my power to try and impress people, to seek some validation. Now I’ve learnt to have confidence in myself and not care what people, who I don’t even know, think. Growing up on the internet was a weird thing. I think a lot of my insecurities growing up stemmed from being online and seeing what other people were doing. Now I’m very focused on myself and my goals rather than comparing my life to someone on the internet.

I am genuinely proud of myself though and everything i have accomplished. At serval points in my life I’ve not wanted to even be on this earth never mind getting to the point where I’m happy and enjoying life. Its such a weird feeling. So here’s to me and my 22 years on this earth. If its one thing I’ve learnt its not to take life for granted and don’t take life to seriously. Have fun 🙂

Posted in music, The Top 5

The Top 5: Albums that shaped me as a person

Music has made such a huge impact in my life and I don’t know where I’d be without it. There have been several albums that have really stuck by me over the years but here are my top 5. It was so hard to condense them all into this list. It took a lot of listening and a massive pros and cons list. So here are my top 5 albums that shaped me into the person I am today.

  1. Wasting Light – Foo Fighters

Now I know what you’re thinking it’s not “The Colour and The Shape” nor is it “Sonic Highways” but it’s bloody good. I remember when it first came out in April 2011. My uncle is one of them people who buys an album and listens to it for about 3 months straight and then buys another. He bought this and played it every time he dropped me off at school for 3 months and I fell in love. It was the first foo fighters album I’d heard all the way through and I was mesmerized. Dave Grohl’s voice was addicting for my little 11 yr old ears. One of my favourite tracks on the album is “Arlandria” which is a great tune to shout the lyrics to in any setting. “Rope” is also another favourite the guitar absolutely shreds and Taylor Hawkins on the drums just completes the track. “These Days” gives me such nostalgic vibes of rocking out with my uncle and it still gives me goosebumps. I could listen to this album for the rest of my life and not get bored with it. This album was the start of my love for the foo’s and Dave Grohl. I class Dave as one of my many idols and I adore him.

2. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

If you know me then you know I LOVE the Beatles. This is such a classic. I’m not condoning drugs in any sense but they were all high as kites and they created such a masterpiece I can’t even fault one track on this. I first listened to this when I was about 13 and it’s all I listened to for at least a month. I used to just sit in my room with my headphones on and close my eyes and just vibe. I didn’t have too many true friends growing up so music was my escape and when I discovered music like this my little mind was blown. I know this album like the back of my hand. A few notable tracks on this album are “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” its pretty much about a psychedelic experience and that’s how I felt listening to it for the first time, “Within You Without You” I can confidently say why I first listened to this I had never heard music like it and my 13 yr old brain really didn’t know how to process it but its become one of my favourite tracks. Their creativity shone through in this album and I love it. (even though they were drugged up).

3. Teenage Dirtbag – Various Artists

I know this is probably cheating as it’s a compilation album but I don’t care. My little pop-punk heart loves this album so much. Again, my uncle bought it and played it in his car and again I fell in love. By this point, I had already started listening to My Chemical Romance and I’d been a long time Avril Lavigne fan but this album opened up the pop-punk world for me even more. This album is where I discovered my love for Bowling for Soup who is now one of my favourite artists. It has such bangers like “All-Star” by smash mouth, “Sell Out” by Reel Big Fish which is the first ska inspired song I’d ever listened to and “Ocean Avenue” by Yellowcard (rip they’ve broken up). This album opened my eyes to so many new bands I’d never heard of and I was ecstatic. I still listen to it every week. It is also a banging car album. I cannot count the number of times my uncle and I have sung this album, all the way through on car journeys.

4. 5 Seconds of Summer (Self Titled) by 5SOS

I first listened to 5SOS in my best friends bedroom in 2013 after convincing myself I’d never like them. She showed me some of their earlier songs and music videos and I fell in love. This album came out when I was 14/15 and I feel like that’s a really influential time in anyone’s life. It massively influenced my music taste and fashion too. I started to wear more flannel shirts and ripped jeans and doc martens. I thought I was the shit. 5SOS are still by far one of my favourite artists. They have grown musically since 2014 and their newer stuff is awesome. You can still tell they’re influenced by pop-punk but they adapted to give themselves a more modern sound. Some of my top tracks are “End Up Here” it gives me huge All Time Low/ Blink 182 vibes and I love it. “Amnesia” has me crying every time I listen to it. I’m a sucker for a sad song and this one just hits me right in the feels. (link to my sad song playlist here). “Kiss Me, Kiss Me” feels like it should be in a coming of age movie where they’re doing a montage of a group of teenagers having fun. It’s such an upbeat track and the drums before the chorus always get me hype.

5. Scouting For Girls by Scouting For Girls

Scouting For Girls brings back so many fond memories for me. Me and my sister, Beth, used to sing them all the time with my mum and I hold this album near and dear to my heart. Countless times we’d be dancing around the living room to “She’s So Lovely”. We would change the lyrics to she’s so ugly and point at each other. Beth and I still sing those lyrics now. It feels wrong not to. Their songs are also heavily featured in the hit movie “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging” featuring Georgia Groome (who’s now had a baby with Rupert Grint). Whenever I listen to them I just imagine the main character Georgia running through Eastbourne in that massive olive costume. Some of my top tunes on this album are “Elvis Ain’t Dead” mainly because it reminds me of my auntie. She was convinced that Elvis was still alive somewhere and the thought of it makes me chuckle. “I wish I was James Bond” is such a catchy tune and there’s just something about the lead singer, Roy Stride, that makes me want to sing along with his voice.

Some honourable mentions are:

  • Intertwined EP – Dodie
  • Up All Night – 1D
  • The Balcony – Catfish and The Bottlemen
  • The Specials – The Specials
  • The Seldom Seen Kid – Elbow

Well, there you have it! The top 5 songs that have shaped me into the person I am today. Without these tracks, I really don’t think I’d be the person I am today. They all hold so many memories that I will cherish forever. I cant wait to see this list again in 10 years and see how much my music has changed. Music influences everything in your life from style to the way people act. It’ll be interesting to see if any of these albums will still be on this list by then. This list was really hard to narrow down but I’m happy with my choices.

Here’s a link to the playlist with all the albums on it (excluding honourable mentions)

Posted in life


It’s 3:30 am on a Monday. I’m sat here just staring into the void and thinking about what could have been and how my life would’ve panned out differently if my mum was still with us today.

It pains me everyday she’s not here to see me accomplish milestones. She never got to see me do any of those cliché firsts like send me off at the gate on my first day of secondary school or my first date or have me cry on her about my first break up. She was such an amazing lady and I’m mad the people I cherish in my day to day life never got to meet her. Everything I accomplish in life is for her. I’m living the life she didn’t. She was 30 when she passed so she had lived a life but she got pregnant at a young age, never went to uni and was stuck in situations a mother of 4 just shouldn’t be going through. She was a strong lady despite how she left us. I will always see her as a strong and powerful person despite it all.

“I love you lots like jelly tots. Forever and always”

Jenny Baynham

It’s just insane that half of my life has been with her and half has been without. Like I never truly knew my mum as a friend. I never knew her as Jenny. She was always just mum. I wish I had a longer time with her and got to know who Jenny was. Like I’d say my dad is one of my best friends. I wish I had that with my mum. I’d give my right leg to have her back with us and I’m pretty sure my family would agree.

I’m very shocked I’ve made it to the 10 year mark. In my head my life was practically over when it happened. Like that was it. What was the point in living if she wasn’t going to be there to teach me the ways of being a strong powerful woman? I’m ever so thankful for the strong women who did bring me up. They taught me so much about self worth and not taking any shit from anyone. My dad is an absolute superstar. He’s was going through it as much as we were even though they hadn’t be together since I was like 1. He was devastated but he didn’t let that phase him. 10 years down the line and I’m stronger than I’d ever thought I’d be. If i can get through losing my mum I can do fucking anything at this point.

“Losing my mother at such an early age is the scar of my soul. But I feel like it ultimately made me into the person I am today. I understand the journey of life. I had to go through what I did to be here.”

~ Mariska Hargity

My main point is grief is hard. It always will be no matter how long. Keep your loved ones close because you never know what they could be going through. My messages are always open to anyone struggling with anything or if you just want to chat. I am here.

I bloody love you Jenny Baynham. Forever and always ❤️