Quick little brain vomit, been reflecting on some stuff over the past few days.
Life really just likes to screw you over and makes the chemicals in your brain broken. Mine has been broken for as long as I can remember. Although, I don’t remember much from my teenage years because of this. Who knew your memory got so bad when being like this. I think my depression was triggered by my mum’s death. (I know I talk about it a lot lol). After she died I don’t remember much, only really weird obscure memories that nobody else even cared to remember.
My point is that I don’t remember what life is like without depression. It’s been a part of me that I’ve always kept hidden away from everyone except those I hold close to me. It’s who I saw myself as. Just that depressed girl who hides from everyone and acts like she’s okay but on the inside, she’s crumbling.
Now my life is going good. I have a job I love and I’m surrounded by the best people. My family feels whole again. Yet I feel lost. The depression isn’t gone obviously but I’m having way more good days than bad days and I feel weird. I find myself wondering hey shouldn’t I be sad right now? or stop laughing you’re depressed. I let my depression run my life. It was who I am, it’s who I knew myself as and now that I don’t feel those things and have those thoughts it’s like who am I? who is emily?
Looking back on old thoughts from my notes I can see how much of a horrible mental place I was in this time last year. My brain was so hyperactive that I was constantly thinking about all of this. It was just a whirlwind of problems that I couldn’t solve immediately. I used to consider myself an empty shell. Just floating by with no significance and devoid of value. But now I can see that I’m none of those things. I have purpose and value and I’m supposed to be on the path I am on.
I’ve also had an interesting week friends wise too I guess, I just felt like I was never anyone’s first choice. I know I can’t maintain any favourite position because people are always changing their minds but just for once. For a little while, I’d like to feel that. As a kid, I was never anyone’s first choice. I always felt like I was at the bottom of the list and I don’t think that feeling has ever really gone away. I have handfuls of friends who I value very much but I’m nobody’s favourite. It just makes me feel unwanted when I know I’m not.
Just some quick thoughts from my brain in a moment of weakness I guess, really not having a good week lol.
It’s that time of the year again. I’d like to say have you missed me? but you can’t even read these because you’re dead. Sorry that was in poor taste, bet you’d still be laughing at it though.
I feel like these get less and less depressing every year and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m kinda dealing better with the fact you’re gone after 12 years or I’ve run out of things to be sad about. It seems like a literal lifetime ago now. I don’t even remember much of you anymore. That’s the saddest part. Each year I have fewer and fewer memories of you to reminisce about. It sucks. I see stuff all the time and I’m like mum would’ve loved that yet you had to die. I can’t even send you any funny memes I find.
I think the thing that’s been hitting hard on me recently is the number of times I hear off everyone that I look like you. Every morning I wake up and I see bits of your face in mine and it hurts. It’s like you’re looking right at me sometimes especially when I catch myself off guard on a shiny surface. It sometimes feels like every time someone who loved you looks at me they see you and that brings back all sorts of memories for them and it makes me feel bad.
There’s this picture at nans house on her wall that pains me every time I see it. It was I think the twins birthday and we took a nice family photo. I think it’s the only one that’s got us all in except grandad. You’re there smiling as always. I’m there with happy birthday confetti stuck to my face because tony told me it’d be funny to lick it and then stick it to my face. Everyone else is around us smiling. I look at you in that photo and I see myself. Every time I see it catches me off guard. I think it hurts the most that you were going through such a hard time that we as kids didn’t know about, yet you’re putting a smile on your face for us. It makes me think of all the times I’ve done that to protect other people from me being a burden.
As I’ve gotten older though the more I realise why you did what you did. Like I get it now. I didn’t when I was a kid because what kid gets that kinda stuff you know? but now I get it. I don’t hate you one bit for it either. You had to go and that’s okay. I just dislike the fact that so many of the things that impacted you have impacted my outlook on life as an adult.
Anyway, I’m doing far better than I was in last years letter/ my weird way of coping with this. I have a job I don’t hate going to which is pretty cool. I feel like my life is sorta getting together so it is going pretty well. That’s literally the only thing that has changed. I feel like this year is my year though. I can feel it in my BONES. The pandemic really just messed up these past few years, I have done nothing exciting. I think you would’ve gone crazy if you were stuck in a house with us all. I still haven’t graduated. Still waiting on that one. Hopefully, it’ll be in the summer. What are we betting I trip up or fall over on stage?
I don’t have much to say to you and I feel BAD. but this past year has just been really chilled, to be honest. Really nothing too exciting has happened, I wish I could tell you more but there’s nothing to tell. I was about to say I hope you’re okay but you’re dead so I guess not.
It was the year 1999. My mum was 19 and pregnant with her third child. On the 25th May she gave birth to me. Three days before her 20th birthday. Now 22 years later and we’re here!
What a life it has been! There’s we so many ups and so many downs but I finally made it to 22. When I look back on my life so far it seems a bit lackluster. When I was 8 I thought I’d own my own house, have a kid and be engaged/married by the time I was 22. But no. Here I am still living with my dad, no kids and certainly no marriage. It crazy how much you expect out of life at such a young age.
It has been a challenging two decades but I’m still here so that’s got to count for something right? In all seriousness though I’m proud of myself. When mum died I thought my life was over. I didn’t know what to do with myself but to be thriving 11 years later is such an accomplishment. My teen years were rough and I was a little shit but I guess it paid off in the end.
I’ve never really been one for birthday celebrations. I don’t like the attention and it makes me feel a bit awkward. Going to a restaurant and the whole staff start clapping and singing happy birthday to you is my anxiety’s worst nightmare (I’m looking at you TGI Fridays) like please just give us the free dessert and leave. I cant handle the embarrassment and everyone looking at you.
One of my most memorable birthdays was when my mum and auntie took me to Disneyland: Paris when I was 5. I got kitted out with a mickey hoodie and a Cinderella suitcase ( I still use it to this day) We had a meal with all the characters and we went on so many rides. It one of my fondest memories. We went on some sort of ghost train and I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my entire life. It was awful. I’m so thankful my mum saved up all that money to take us on that trip. I think its really important you make a few core memories with your kids that they’ll remember forever.
I wrote myself a list at 13 of what I wanted to have accomplished by the age of 25. It was:
see one direction in concert more than once
get a degree in a subject I loved
get a dog
So far two out of the 5 things on my list I currently have 2. I’m working on the others. I’ve still got three years yet so it doesn’t seem too difficult. I didn’t have high aspirations as a kid if you cant tell. I just wanted to make my family happy.
If I spoke to my 13 year old self I think she’d probably think I was a weirdo. All I wanted to do at that age was fit in but now I couldn’t care less. The biggest life lesson I’ve probably learnt is that other people really don’t care what you do. Growing up I did everything in my power to try and impress people, to seek some validation. Now I’ve learnt to have confidence in myself and not care what people, who I don’t even know, think. Growing up on the internet was a weird thing. I think a lot of my insecurities growing up stemmed from being online and seeing what other people were doing. Now I’m very focused on myself and my goals rather than comparing my life to someone on the internet.
I am genuinely proud of myself though and everything i have accomplished. At serval points in my life I’ve not wanted to even be on this earth never mind getting to the point where I’m happy and enjoying life. Its such a weird feeling. So here’s to me and my 22 years on this earth. If its one thing I’ve learnt its not to take life for granted and don’t take life to seriously. Have fun 🙂
It’s 3:30 am on a Monday. I’m sat here just staring into the void and thinking about what could have been and how my life would’ve panned out differently if my mum was still with us today.
It pains me everyday she’s not here to see me accomplish milestones. She never got to see me do any of those cliché firsts like send me off at the gate on my first day of secondary school or my first date or have me cry on her about my first break up. She was such an amazing lady and I’m mad the people I cherish in my day to day life never got to meet her. Everything I accomplish in life is for her. I’m living the life she didn’t. She was 30 when she passed so she had lived a life but she got pregnant at a young age, never went to uni and was stuck in situations a mother of 4 just shouldn’t be going through. She was a strong lady despite how she left us. I will always see her as a strong and powerful person despite it all.
“I love you lots like jelly tots. Forever and always”
It’s just insane that half of my life has been with her and half has been without. Like I never truly knew my mum as a friend. I never knew her as Jenny. She was always just mum. I wish I had a longer time with her and got to know who Jenny was. Like I’d say my dad is one of my best friends. I wish I had that with my mum. I’d give my right leg to have her back with us and I’m pretty sure my family would agree.
I’m very shocked I’ve made it to the 10 year mark. In my head my life was practically over when it happened. Like that was it. What was the point in living if she wasn’t going to be there to teach me the ways of being a strong powerful woman? I’m ever so thankful for the strong women who did bring me up. They taught me so much about self worth and not taking any shit from anyone. My dad is an absolute superstar. He’s was going through it as much as we were even though they hadn’t be together since I was like 1. He was devastated but he didn’t let that phase him. 10 years down the line and I’m stronger than I’d ever thought I’d be. If i can get through losing my mum I can do fucking anything at this point.
“Losing my mother at such an early age is the scar of my soul. But I feel like it ultimately made me into the person I am today. I understand the journey of life. I had to go through what I did to be here.”
~ Mariska Hargity
My main point is grief is hard. It always will be no matter how long. Keep your loved ones close because you never know what they could be going through. My messages are always open to anyone struggling with anything or if you just want to chat. I am here.
I bloody love you Jenny Baynham. Forever and always ❤️