Posted in life

Dear Mum,

Another year, another letter to you.

It’s that time of the year again. I’d like to say have you missed me? but you can’t even read these because you’re dead. Sorry that was in poor taste, bet you’d still be laughing at it though.

I feel like these get less and less depressing every year and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m kinda dealing better with the fact you’re gone after 12 years or I’ve run out of things to be sad about. It seems like a literal lifetime ago now. I don’t even remember much of you anymore. That’s the saddest part. Each year I have fewer and fewer memories of you to reminisce about. It sucks. I see stuff all the time and I’m like mum would’ve loved that yet you had to die. I can’t even send you any funny memes I find.

I think the thing that’s been hitting hard on me recently is the number of times I hear off everyone that I look like you. Every morning I wake up and I see bits of your face in mine and it hurts. It’s like you’re looking right at me sometimes especially when I catch myself off guard on a shiny surface. It sometimes feels like every time someone who loved you looks at me they see you and that brings back all sorts of memories for them and it makes me feel bad.

There’s this picture at nans house on her wall that pains me every time I see it. It was I think the twins birthday and we took a nice family photo. I think it’s the only one that’s got us all in except grandad. You’re there smiling as always. I’m there with happy birthday confetti stuck to my face because tony told me it’d be funny to lick it and then stick it to my face. Everyone else is around us smiling. I look at you in that photo and I see myself. Every time I see it catches me off guard. I think it hurts the most that you were going through such a hard time that we as kids didn’t know about, yet you’re putting a smile on your face for us. It makes me think of all the times I’ve done that to protect other people from me being a burden.

As I’ve gotten older though the more I realise why you did what you did. Like I get it now. I didn’t when I was a kid because what kid gets that kinda stuff you know? but now I get it. I don’t hate you one bit for it either. You had to go and that’s okay. I just dislike the fact that so many of the things that impacted you have impacted my outlook on life as an adult.

Anyway, I’m doing far better than I was in last years letter/ my weird way of coping with this. I have a job I don’t hate going to which is pretty cool. I feel like my life is sorta getting together so it is going pretty well. That’s literally the only thing that has changed. I feel like this year is my year though. I can feel it in my BONES. The pandemic really just messed up these past few years, I have done nothing exciting. I think you would’ve gone crazy if you were stuck in a house with us all. I still haven’t graduated. Still waiting on that one. Hopefully, it’ll be in the summer. What are we betting I trip up or fall over on stage?

I don’t have much to say to you and I feel BAD. but this past year has just been really chilled, to be honest. Really nothing too exciting has happened, I wish I could tell you more but there’s nothing to tell. I was about to say I hope you’re okay but you’re dead so I guess not.

Miss you,

from your fave daughter (soz guys)

Flobber Bobber 🙂

Posted in life


It’s 3:30 am on a Monday. I’m sat here just staring into the void and thinking about what could have been and how my life would’ve panned out differently if my mum was still with us today.

It pains me everyday she’s not here to see me accomplish milestones. She never got to see me do any of those cliché firsts like send me off at the gate on my first day of secondary school or my first date or have me cry on her about my first break up. She was such an amazing lady and I’m mad the people I cherish in my day to day life never got to meet her. Everything I accomplish in life is for her. I’m living the life she didn’t. She was 30 when she passed so she had lived a life but she got pregnant at a young age, never went to uni and was stuck in situations a mother of 4 just shouldn’t be going through. She was a strong lady despite how she left us. I will always see her as a strong and powerful person despite it all.

“I love you lots like jelly tots. Forever and always”

Jenny Baynham

It’s just insane that half of my life has been with her and half has been without. Like I never truly knew my mum as a friend. I never knew her as Jenny. She was always just mum. I wish I had a longer time with her and got to know who Jenny was. Like I’d say my dad is one of my best friends. I wish I had that with my mum. I’d give my right leg to have her back with us and I’m pretty sure my family would agree.

I’m very shocked I’ve made it to the 10 year mark. In my head my life was practically over when it happened. Like that was it. What was the point in living if she wasn’t going to be there to teach me the ways of being a strong powerful woman? I’m ever so thankful for the strong women who did bring me up. They taught me so much about self worth and not taking any shit from anyone. My dad is an absolute superstar. He’s was going through it as much as we were even though they hadn’t be together since I was like 1. He was devastated but he didn’t let that phase him. 10 years down the line and I’m stronger than I’d ever thought I’d be. If i can get through losing my mum I can do fucking anything at this point.

“Losing my mother at such an early age is the scar of my soul. But I feel like it ultimately made me into the person I am today. I understand the journey of life. I had to go through what I did to be here.”

~ Mariska Hargity

My main point is grief is hard. It always will be no matter how long. Keep your loved ones close because you never know what they could be going through. My messages are always open to anyone struggling with anything or if you just want to chat. I am here.

I bloody love you Jenny Baynham. Forever and always ❤️